Do Not Worry

This afternoon at physical therapy I suddenly had an enormous sense of despair. I was doing one of my regular exercises and thinking about how weak I still am from my surgery on my left shoulder in October (I can still only lift about four pounds), and I realized, in what seemed like a very profound way, that I will soon be starting all over with my right shoulder, which had the same surgery three weeks ago. All the hours and hours in PT, and more importantly all the pain and frustration, will start over from the beginning regardless of the fact that I just did it. It was so distressing to think of all the work and the teeth-gritting of the last three and a half months and realize that it doesn't mean a single thing to my right shoulder. I will be back at ground zero. And have to go through it all. again.

I stood there for a minute staring into space, thinking of doing mobes again (ranked #2 on my list of the most painful experiences I've had in my life) when I told myself to let it go and just focus on the exercise at hand.

Now, that seems like very obvious advice. Because it is. It is something God wants me to do.

Mark 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Amen!

Each day does have enough worries of its own. Each two hour PT session has enough worries of its own. Each exercise has enough worries of its own! And dwelling on the events down the road, whether hypothetically good ones or challenging ones (in reality I think we rarely get one without the other), does not make the task at hand any easier. In fact, as I experienced, it makes it far harder.

Before that verse, Mark says " So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

What am I so worried about? That I will be upset with how much time I have to spend at PT? That I will be in pain? I know that God will provide for me, no matter what my circumstance. Mark says not to worry about what we will eat or what we will drink. God, he says, takes care of even the grass in the field - how would he not take care of us?! God will provide grace sufficient for me to battle frustration and self-pity. He will give me strength to bear with the pain and humility to bear with my weakness.

Knowing that, how can I worry about tomorrow? Worrying creates an anxious heart - a heart that doesn't trust in God. "But first seek his kingdom and his righteousness." Now that is something I should put my energy into. My heart will find rest in God and let go of all anxiousness. I need to think, how can I glorify God in this situation? I should not be living in my future trials, but be glorifying God in my immediate circumstance - in every circumstance.

Psalm 55
Cast Your Burden on the Lord

1Give ear to my prayer, O God,
and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
2Attend to me, and answer me;
I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
3because of the noise of the enemy,
because of the oppression of the wicked.
For they drop trouble upon me,
and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

4My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
5Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
6And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
7yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
Selah

8I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest."

9Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
for I see violence and strife in the city.
10Day and night they go around it
on its walls,
and iniquity and trouble are within it;
11ruin is in its midst;
oppression and fraud
do not depart from its marketplace.

12For it is not an enemy who taunts me--
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me--
then I could hide from him.
13But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
14We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God's house we walked in the throng.
15Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

16But I call to God,
and the LORD will save me.
17Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.
18He redeems my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
19God will give ear and humble them,
he who is enthroned from of old,
Selah

because they do not change
and do not fear God.

20My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant.
21His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

22Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

23But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

God's Mercy

Dwelling on the past is not helpful. But a clear reminder of who I was before Christ affirms my faith! I have not pulled myself out of my slavery to sin - I could never have done so! My past is a testimony to Christ's power in my life. I wanted to post a few journal entries from my past to bear witness to the change God has worked. These were mostly undated from about two years ago.

"The room is too quiet for comfort.
There's a loud rattling in my head
of gears waiting for something to catch on
so they can finally turn.
But they are just left wanting and spinning.
Treading the air and
all the ramifications of now.
My aimless thoughts are like sand
thrown at the gears,
doing nothing but scratching the finish.
I want to know what I want.
I want boundaries with inexpressible freedom.
I want blue eyes and brown.
I want everything from everyone. Sometimes.
I want blood and then tears.
Some vulnerable wetness.
But I haven't opened flesh in so long
the scars are almost gone."

"pseudo-romantic purple
like partially oxygenated blood
quickening the heart and breath,
leaving something wanted."

"So I need to learn to relax
and dig the color blue and jazz.
Because when music makes me think
only one thing
its an epiphany,
just to have a mind that clear -
despite-
or because of?-
the drugs floating in the air
and the cozy closeness
of so many bodies.
I need a little clarity,
a little Dharma Bums.
I need to hike a crisp cold mountain.
I need to Howl. "

"Passion: is the only reason.
I see it in others - they are irresistible.
I can only hope for one touch from them
and its like electricity.
The pulsing love for life
coursing through me
making me more alive."


I thought that so many things could save me. I thought I was looking so hard. But the One and Only answer found me! He was working in my heart before I ever heard His name. My struggle to find some sort of wholeness made the amazing salvation of God even more incredible than if I'd never thought anything was missing!

I have twelve years of journals. All organized neatly on a bookshelf in my room at home. I don't care to read them often, but when I do it is so clear: every situation, every suffering, and every anguished cry leads directly to the day that I was saved in preparation for me to love God and lay my life down for Him!

Moses, Me, & God's Will

Moses said to the LORD, "See, you say to me, 'Bring up this people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. Yet you have said, 'I know you by name, and you have also found favor in my sight.' Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight. Consider too that this nation is your people."

And God said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Exodus 33:12-14

I always want to know what God has planned for me. I have no doubt that he has a plan for my life; he has a plan for my future, my career, my husband, my family, and all the personal decisions I will make. But I don't act like I trust him; I want to know what- exactly- the plan is. Then I'll be content and make sure that I walk in that plan. Like Moses, my desire is to walk in God's will, if only I knew what that was. Moses asks "Lord, who are you sending to help me? Let me know so that I can move forward trusting in your plan. Show me your ways." God replies, but he doesn't answer what Moses actually asked. He doesn't give Moses the specifics he wanted. He just says "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

God's presence is all I need. I don't need to know what, where, who, when, why, or how.
I need to now HIM and he will give my heart peace.

Knowing God's Will by M. Blaine Smith says that God illuminates the path only where our feet are currently moving. He lets us know what we need to know in order to glorify Him in our current situation. He does not shine a searchlight up ahead of us. If we saw everything that was ahead we would have no need for faith. The key to faith and trust in God's will as well as faith in God at all, is that we cannot see it. Romans 8:24 points out: "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" There would be no need for faith if God laid out before me the blueprint of my life.

Smith also remarks that if we knew our futures, which is essentially what we want to know when we question God's will, we would probably be reluctant to move forward. If God shone that searchlight way ahead on the path to reveal struggle, temptation, and rejection (as much of a Christian life can involve), we would be paralyzed by fear. God allows us to know what we need to know. He shines a light at our feet so we can see where we are stepping, but not where we are going. But as long as that light is on our feet we are in his will, and his is guiding us where we ought to be going.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Something that has been bothering me lately (most of my life, really, but only recently in a Godly context) is my sense that I have no roots. I have moved around my entire life. This summer will mark my 7th state, my 9th house, and my 9th school. I have never known anyone for more than a handful of years. I don't consider any location "home." That is a foreign concept I have always envied of people who "grew up" somewhere. This summer I will officially be living on my own. My family is moving to southern Virginia, and I feel no calling to go with them. Nor do I feel especially tied to Maryland, though I love my church, it is not really home. I feel little nostalgia for the area, in fact, I find many things about the lifestyle there (DC traffic, crime, gangs, congestion) rather grotesque. So I believe I will be living in Delaware. Then what? I want to settle down so badly. To just finally stop moving and to .... Know my future! I feel like if I just stop moving, other things will become clear as well. I will at the very least be able to predict where I will live in one year. I cannot say so much right now.

At my Bible study today the leader pointed out something I had never considered. I always thought of this rootlessness as a curse of sorts. He put just the opposite spin on it, saying that without a deep emotional involvement in one location, I would be able to respond easily to God's call to move to do his will if he should call me. He said, if suddenly God calls you to Nigeria for missions - well, what would be stopping you? Who better to pick up and move than someone who would have to shed very little to up and go? I don't know what God has for my future, but that was certainly a perspective I liked better than seeing it as a curse. God IS preparing me for something. Maybe it is so that I will revel in and relish the feeling of finally settling. He could be giving me a heart to sink my roots into a local church when I find the right one. Maybe one day he will call me to missions, or to move, to spread his word and serve others and I will be able to go without hesitation.

But I think I need to reflect on the "light on my feet." How can I serve God now? How can I be living every moment to the fullest extent in service and worship of God? The future is in God's hands. As my pastor says, "If you worry - you die. And if you don't worry - you die. So why worry?"

Sunday Sermon: What Does Loving God Look Like?

Psalm 1:1-3

"Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
not sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his Delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither."


A person who loves God is a living embodiment of Psalm 1. That is how you will know them. They are those who lives and die in the faith of Christ in order to be witnesses and bring others to Christ.

Fruit of Loving God

Assurance in the Gospel
Have unshaken faith in the assurance of salvation
Be saturated in the Gospel , dig into the Word
Love the Gospel as Life
Never grow weary or tired or it, never move on from this essential message


Zestful Joy
Believe yourself to be truly rich in this world because of your relationship with God
Be content, happy, joyful
Love simple things
Not, 'be simple minded,' but have joy in living simply without the distractions of worldly things
Do not futilely pursue things that fade away - have real everlasting joy
Deeply know and express that having Christ is all you need

Inexpressible Peace
No matter what happens on earth, have unflappable peace and assurance
Do not be anxious, worry, or distrust God's good plan
Thank God for your struggles, they produce character and build your faith

Undiminished Purpose
We are here to bring Glory to Him
God is glorified most when we are most satisfied in Him
What is the chief purpose of man?
To glorify God and enjoy Him forever
Build relationships to bring others to Christ
Proclaim Christ without ceasing
Ask God for opportunities to make you useful in advancing His kingdom
It is NOT about making much of ourselves

Heavenly Hope
2 Timothy 4:6-8
"For I am already poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have love his appearing."
We will be like Stephen, seeing Christ standing, welcoming us. Saying welcome home, well done.
"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passin through."

Academic Prayer

Lord God, I pray that you give my heart peace over these opportunities and these challenges at school. Let me know your will for my education! God, I do not desire to be self-seeking in this! Please keep me humbled and lowly at the foot of your cross throughout this and my life. Let me use whatever gifts you have given me in ways that will glorify you and advance your kingdom!

Lord I pray that you protect me from the temptation to think highly of myself. Let me rather think highly of you, and of others. These opportunities are from you and for you! Let me cling to your cross, acknowledging my sinfulness and my dire need for a savior! Create good works that I may walk in them! Bless my creativity and knowledge with a purpose for You! Bless my gifts with an employment in your service.

God you are the only thing that will be left when this world ends. I will not be faced with an angelic board of directors or a Scripture SAT or a holy scrutiny of my resume. I will be faced with YOU. God let me never lose sight of the hope you have given me!

I pray that you will prepare my heart for my future, whatever it is! If I am to be a wife and stay at home mom, Lord, give me grace to love your will. If I am to go to graduate school in Oxford, Lord let your will be done and your name be glorified! If I am to go into the publishing industry Lord let me publish stories about your goodness. If I would do PR for non-profit groups Lord your will be done and your name be magnified through my works! If none of these are your will for me, then God prepare me in ways unknown to me now so that I will gracefully accept your good plan!

I pray down every road that I have my eyes set on you and your prizes, that I would deem your cause the most worthy of my time and my intellect. God I give you my intellect! You bestowed it upon me and I claim no rights over it! Let my professors and mentors guide me in ways according to your will. Let my heart be at peace and my conscience in agreement with you. I want to walk in your will, O my God! Be with me Lord as I seek you with my whole heart!

Pre-Valentine's Day Revelation

So I was thinking about Valentine's Day and feeling pretty down. National Single's Awareness Day, huh? It never mattered to me because I always had a boyfriend who brought me flowers, took me to dinner, and otherwise completed me on this most important of Hallmark Holidays. In fact, the last six Valentine's Days I have had a boyfriend. One or the other of them.
I had a Bible study group this afternoon called Knowing God's Will. Our leader asked us to memorize Jeremiah 29:11-12.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans for wholeness and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope."

I decided to read it over before I did my usual devotions tonight. The first three lines struck me and convicted me about the state of my heart today! I have worried and stressed and wondered and hoped and guessed at what man I might end up with. What man would make me happy and whole. How we will meet and fall in love. What our future will be. I couldn't help, in that line of thought, but wonder what I need to be doing to make sure that I find him. And then wonder when it will be and begin to hope it will be soon, because I don't like being single. So I think, well, I'm here now, so where is he? How much longer? C'mon!

But God says *I* know the plans *I have* for you.
This is not in my control, anymore than this ridiculous weather. It may snow - I will go get my snowscraper and boots. It may rain -I can get my umbrella. Maybe God will be incredibly generous and it will be 80 and sunny tomorrow - I have my sunglasses and sunscreen and I will be laying out! The point is not how can I make the weather do what I want, when I want, why I want. Its - am I prepared for what is coming, whatever it is? Do I have an umbrella, do I have a snowscraper, do I have sunglasses? And am I paying attention enough to know when to call on them?

Knowing who I'm going to marry isn't so easy. But God is in control. And he has given me His Word in order to be prepared for my future. I guess I can think of it as my sunglasses and my sunscreen. When it gets bright, I'll have them with me. When the right guy comes along, I'll be prepared for him to lead me because of the way God is using me, growing me, and teaching me now as I am single. You typically don't go to the store and buy sunscreen when you just laid out for five hours and are burned (though you'll know better next time!). You plan ahead. Before you go out into the sun you get what you will need (if you're not prepared or not awake, well think about what happens when you fall asleep in the sun with no sunscreen on). Cloudy the first day? No problem, you have your Bible, just read. The sun is coming.

How do I know the sun is coming? What if it just rains and rains (or even worse, is cold too)? What if I never get married (even though my heart's desire is to!)? God says he has plans for wholeness for me. I realized my selfishness and shortsightedness here! This means something FAR better than even wholeness in the context of a relationship or marriage with a man. It means wholeness in HIM, our creator! He is promising a relationship with him that will last all this lifetime and into eternity where it will be perfected! It is a marriage, but one far greater than I look forward to here. So there it is - the perpetual bright, sunny day! It IS coming because he has promised. So while I can certainly expect days of rain and snow and trails of all sorts in this life, I should still be carrying around and improving upon my essentials for that day when it will rain no more - the eternal perfect marriage with Christ himself!

God has plans to give me a future and a hope. I think the last paragraph explains this. I can look forward to a future and a hope that will never perish. Above and beyond that though, I looked at Romans 8:32 -

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all,
how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

God also gives us gifts in this life! It is amazing that he should send us Son to die for me a sinner, freely forgive me of all my monstrous sin, grant me eternal life - not just floating around somehwere in cosmic space - but with Him in his very house, and promise me a rich inheritance when I get there, being co-heirs with Christ who died for me, AND on top of all that - which I fully don't deserve and would be fully content with - he gives me gifts here on earth as well!! What an AMAZING God!

I do pray that God gives me the gift of marriage. But I cannot doubt his goodness or sovereignty because my pray is not answered immediately and in exactly the fashion I would like. How arrogant! How sinful I am to let one card-company-fabricated day disarm me in my quest for contentment and happiness in God.
And moreover let it cause me to doubt his goodness and his plan for my life.

So Jesus, then is my valentine, my Lord, my bridegroom, my savior, my king, my shepard, my counselor, my solid rock, my advocate, my deliverer, my high priest,
my life,
my light,
my love.


*What other man could I possibly think I need?

Spiritual Discipline

At Bible study tonight we talked about different spiritual disciplines. A friend had read a book where the author describes different periods of life being times for different practices. His illustration was of a busy mother who found that she didn't have time for devotions anymore. He said, thats ok. Ministering to your children is your spiritual discipline. He viewed that service as her time of communion with God.

I disagree. While I do believe that God calls us to different areas of service during different seasons of our life, I do not believe that he calls us to abandon time of devotion and prayer when things become hectic. In fact, I think in scripture, and from experience, I can see that those are the times when we need to make time with God a priority, not put it on the back burner. In 1 Thessalonians , Paul calls followers of Christ to "pray without ceasing, " and in his letter to the Romans he says that one mark of a true Christian is that he is "constant in prayer." It does not say, "when it is convenient" or "when your children have moved out of the house." Without ceasing. Constantly. No qualifications. And Paul certainly had his hands full. The disciples, throughout Acts, pray despite persecution, difficult travel, time spent spreading God's word, and the threat of death, exile, stoning, and incarceration.

Jesus, while walking with men, was God in human form. He knew his time on earth would be limited. There was so so much to do, so many thousands of people to teach, to heal, to help, to feed, to disciple. In the days before his crucifixion he must have been very busy. He was preparing the disciples for life after he would leave them. But he spent time in prayer.

We are never too busy to pray. We are never too busy to be in God's Word if we desire for God's Word to be in us. I had the image of a mother with young children. She undoubtedly has her hands full, a child in each arm, trying to keep the house straightened, cook dinner, clean the baby, do the laundry, make phone calls, dress her toddler... But she will at some time have to, by physical limitation, stop and eat, or she will faint.

God's Word is called the bread of life. The metaphor is not empty. Our souls are alive and need nourishment just the way our bodies do. Our nourishment comes from time spent in God's Word and in his presence praying. Our spiritual life will become weak and faint if we do not - we will starve it.

The busy mother will stop whatever she is doing when she realizes that she must eat in order to continue on. If only we were so intuned to our soul's need for God. If we can stop and make time to eat for our bodies, we must also realize that we must stop and feed our souls.


I am guilty of being "too tired" or "too busy" to pray or read my Bible. I challenge myself to be more aware of my need, to humble myself before God to know that I am his creation and am totally dependent on him. Only his Word can sustain me.

"It is written:
Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from
the mouth of God."
~Matthew 4:4

Friday Nights

A friend was dropping me off at my house tonight after an IV party, and it struck me tonight that I haven't been on campus at night in months. I've been going home or spending the night with friends off campus for so long that I'd forgotten the feeling of nightlife here. I saw the packs of people walking down the streets, the girls in heels, the open doors, . I felt a sadness that this was all Friday meant for them; a night to get drunk, be foolish, and wake up not knowing where they are. A time to revel in being young and stupid, to have excuses to not care about consequence, and to feel 'free.' Their liberation comes in shots.
As we drove past more and more people the scene became more familiar. I wasn't just looking at them anymore- I was remembering the feel of tired, cold feet walking blocks in those high heels, and the exhilaration of drunken laughter and stumbling, and the intoxicating anonymity of dark streets and dark makeup. It was so familiar because I was one of them last year. Not really that long ago.
It all came back to me like standing up too fast. The darkness rushed my brain - the dancing, the clothes, the guys, the jokes, the games... nothing was sacred and nothing was real. One night was one night. Consequence was a laughable concept, a joke like the rest.
I thanked God so fervently in my head as I realized how much he has changed me. He stole my heart away this summer and despite my flesh calling out to me, my heart has truly lost its taste for such things. It is only thanks to God that I am not out there tonight in a tiny tank top with a shot in one hand and a camera in the other. Thinking 'this is as good as it gets.'
Here's why this matters: anyone who parties think I'm quite ridiculous for thinking its all that scandalous. Its just fun, right? We're not hurting anyone. The truth is, God exists. Look out the window any morning, watch the sun rise, and just feel your heart revel in the glory of it, in the subtle colors, the purposeful ascent, the brilliant shining rays that slowly take over the sky. Tell me how the big bang put together that golden sunrise and survival of the fittest determined that your heart should melt at the sight of such flawless beauty. God is glorious. That sunrise is one tiny part of his imaginative creation. He is perfectly loving, good, holy, and righteous. He cannot lie, cheat, misjudge, or be selfish, greedy, lustful, or mean. He is everything we cannot be. We can try our hardest and still fall infinitely short compared to his infinite perfection. We can never be with God. His perfection, by its very nature, cannot tolerate sinfulness. Humans are doomed to a life apart from him - the very source of good, love, and light.
When I came to faith Jesus died to give me a new life, and eternal life on top of that, where I CAN be with God, where my sin will never be counted against me...I was eternally changed. Inside out, I was not the same. The new life within me, given by Jesus, came with a new and constantly maturing conscience and a heart for things concerning heaven instead of earth.
The drinks, dancing, flirting, makeup, the low cut shirts and tiny shorts, the beers and shot glasses, the music, the grungy sofas, the pong tables, the red cups are all fading away. The attention from guys, the envy of girls, the physical beauty, and the raw sexuality are all falling away fast. None of these things last long, not even in this lifetime. They are just a second and then they are like dust, swept away from us to never return. They are never useful, and often detrimental. In the scheme of eternity they are even more fleeting and futile.
Why waste a Friday night collecting memories you'll hate to remember? Why drink your way to happiness instead of experience the real thing? Why sell yourself short to some guy in a frat tshirt, when real love awaits? Why invest your time in empty friendships when honest fellowship exists?
I've been on the other side. But its better over here. Thank you God! I'm never going back :)

Intro

Hey all,
So I started this because I realized that I wasn't journaling enough, but I am frequently glued to my computer, so hopefully this will give me an outlet other than Facebook and Myspace.

I've been listening to Josh Harris' messages on purity today. They're so good! I recommend them to anyone who wants something just to play in their room, regardless of your convictions! They might give you something new to think about. I listen to messages all the time when I'm folding laundry! You know how sometimes music just isn't enough? At some point or another you've heard all the songs on your iTunes playlist, you know all the words, and it just becomes monotone. Your mind wants something to *think* about! Play a message: www.covlife.org/sermons

In the same vein, I found a group on Facebook called "I'm Saving Myself for Wild, Passionate, Awkward Honeymoon Sex." Not only did I think that was awesome it itself, but it has almost 17,000 members! I was looking through the message board, and a few people posted with the intention of instigating arguments. The replies (yes, sometimes got out of hand) but overall I was so encouraged to see just how many young Christians there are out there who are willing to speak up for God's plan! Even as several people tried to "rationalize" their way out of saving sex for marriage - and some of them were professing Christians - there were dozens of others who vehemently replied with scripture and conviction that God's Word is not and never will be outdated or flawed! It was really encouraging. For every reason that Facebook can be corrput and encourage so many just deeply sinful things, I think that Christians can use anything as an outlet for sharing the Gospel, because it is all powered by God Himself.

Random thought for today: I like carrots. But only with ranch dip. Fat free ranch dip tastes the same as regular ranch dip. So why would you buy the kind that is bad for you?