God's Mercy

Dwelling on the past is not helpful. But a clear reminder of who I was before Christ affirms my faith! I have not pulled myself out of my slavery to sin - I could never have done so! My past is a testimony to Christ's power in my life. I wanted to post a few journal entries from my past to bear witness to the change God has worked. These were mostly undated from about two years ago.

"The room is too quiet for comfort.
There's a loud rattling in my head
of gears waiting for something to catch on
so they can finally turn.
But they are just left wanting and spinning.
Treading the air and
all the ramifications of now.
My aimless thoughts are like sand
thrown at the gears,
doing nothing but scratching the finish.
I want to know what I want.
I want boundaries with inexpressible freedom.
I want blue eyes and brown.
I want everything from everyone. Sometimes.
I want blood and then tears.
Some vulnerable wetness.
But I haven't opened flesh in so long
the scars are almost gone."

"pseudo-romantic purple
like partially oxygenated blood
quickening the heart and breath,
leaving something wanted."

"So I need to learn to relax
and dig the color blue and jazz.
Because when music makes me think
only one thing
its an epiphany,
just to have a mind that clear -
despite-
or because of?-
the drugs floating in the air
and the cozy closeness
of so many bodies.
I need a little clarity,
a little Dharma Bums.
I need to hike a crisp cold mountain.
I need to Howl. "

"Passion: is the only reason.
I see it in others - they are irresistible.
I can only hope for one touch from them
and its like electricity.
The pulsing love for life
coursing through me
making me more alive."


I thought that so many things could save me. I thought I was looking so hard. But the One and Only answer found me! He was working in my heart before I ever heard His name. My struggle to find some sort of wholeness made the amazing salvation of God even more incredible than if I'd never thought anything was missing!

I have twelve years of journals. All organized neatly on a bookshelf in my room at home. I don't care to read them often, but when I do it is so clear: every situation, every suffering, and every anguished cry leads directly to the day that I was saved in preparation for me to love God and lay my life down for Him!