C.S. Lewis on Morality

Just wanted to share an excerpt from what I'm reading tonight. I like this specific illustration C.S. Lewis uses in Mere Christianity to show the difference between moral "rules," which would be what Christian's abide by as mandated by God, and moral "ideals," which the world creates and leans on.

C.S. Lewis writes,

"In reality, moral rules are directions for running the human machine. Every moral rule is there to prevent a breakdown, or a strain, or a friction, in the running of that machine. That is why these rules at first seem to be constantly interfering with our natural inclinations. When you are being taught how to use any machine, the instructor keeps on saying, "No, don't do it like that," because, of course, there are all sorts of things that look all right and seem to you the natural way of treating the machine, but do not really work." (emphasis mine)

"Ideals" are what people convince themselves are the right way to go about things. These self-imposed ideals can vary from person to person. For instance when someone says, "As long as you're a good person..." that means something different to everyone. Some say a "good person" just does what they want without hurting anyone. Others might say being a "good person" means that you don't kill, lie, steal, or have sex before marriage. This second person's "ideals" can easily lead to pride, when they begin to consider their 'ideals' better or more 'ideal' than the first person's. Without definitive rules of morality people are prone to that trap of pride. They expect to be congratulated for their superior "sense of morality."

C.S. Lewis writes,
"In reality you might just as well expect to  be congratulated because,
whenever you do a sum, you try to get it quite right. To be sure,
perfect arithmetic is "an ideal"; you will certainly make some mistakes
in  some calculations.  But there  is nothing very fine (aka impressive) 
about trying to be quite accurate at each step in each sum. It would be 
idiotic not to try; for every mistake is going to cause you trouble
later on.  In the same  way every moral failure is going to cause trouble,
probably to others and certainly to yourself. By talking about
rules  and obedience instead of "ideals" and "idealism" we help to remind
ourselves of these facts."  (definition, emphasis mine haha) 


Just something to think about.  I thought those were some good ways of putting it.
Reminds me a little of the debate last night.  

Psalm 77

In My Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord

I'm really struggling today.

PT is getting me down. I'm so frustrated by the slow progress, the setbacks, the pain, and the new and exciting discoveries about things that are physically wrong with me. As humorous as it can be, I'm sort of tired of being the teaching model at the trainer's room. The interns get to learn just about everything that can go wrong in a swimmer by observing just me. They get to practice knees exams, shoulder exams, post surgery exercises, nerve glides, electric stim, search and destroy, trigger point release... Really I suppose it's going well. I'm still progressing toward swimming (something I have very mixed feelings about).

Yesterday I finally bothered to tell my trainer how much my knees have been hurting lately. They've been hurting since I started swimming breaststroke a lot - five years ago. But my shoulders were always worse, so I figured I should pick one injury and stick with it. I couldn't tell coach that both my shoulders and my knees hurt because then I'm saying I can't pull or kick. And that just wouldn't go over well, even though that's the case. The intern did a knee exam and found that my IT band (running along the outside of the leg) is incredibly tight and is pulling my kneecap the wrong way. Hence every time I take a step I get shooting pain down the inside of my knees. Its tight because I swim breaststroke and ride horses - two activities that put a very abnormal pressure on the outside of the leg and develop the muscles/tendons/ligaments on the outside of the leg unequally from the inside of the leg. Its not a really big deal. I just have to do more stretches and more exercises. But its just one more thing. More doctor's appointments, more PT, more pain, more limitations. Another thing that I can fight, but really will be making worse the next two years.

My shoulders have generally been moving forward well, but recently I've had a trigger point in a very painful place on my upper/lateral scapula that has been causing intense pain down my right arm when I do some of my exercises. So I can't do the exercises. My PT rubs and pushes on the trigger point trying to get it to release. It hurts so bad the pain disperses and gives me a migraine-like headache.


Psalms is the most amazing book when I'm struggling with feeling hopeless or beat down. I think thats what I feel mostly - just beat down into the dirt and I kinda want to stay there and not even try to get up anymore. God always brings me back around.

Psalm 77 reminds me who my God is.

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
3When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints.
Selah

4You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
6I said,"Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart."
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7"Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
8Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
9Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"
Selah

10Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
14You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
15You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah


16When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
17The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
18The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
19Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
20You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

God never forsakes His children. Look at history. He leads them by the hand - through famine, drought, war, pain, humiliation, persecution, death. He is there. He is God - unchanging. Verse 7-8 say "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?" Isn't this what I'm asking in my heart when I complain about my pain?!? I am somehow questioning God's goodness toward me. I am doubting His plan and his promises to have good in store for me, a hope and a future.

This is also when I want someone with me, to curl up in their arms and be comforted. But how much greater is God than anyone else I could possibly turn to?!

I repent of my of my doubt! I want to love God and trust Him wholly. He knows what I am going through! He is there for me to grab on to He will not put any trial before me that I cannot withstand.

I am floored by His love and mercy - even just in providing His comforting Word to me!!

Praying for Virginia Tech

I am content to be at a loss for words over the Virginia Tech shootings. Too much ruins the seriousness of the tragedy and turns it into one of many - like everything else the newspapers have ever seen. I am praying for the community.

Suddenly the media is full of prayers. The newscasters send their prayers, the government sends their prayers, schools, towns, students. What are they praying to? Are they just mumbling comforting words under their breath to themselves? Are they questioning God's existence as they try to pray to him. Praying only as they think they ought? Do they believe that God is a cosmic Santa Claus who comes to life in desperate tragedies to listen to them mourn? What does it mean to them to be "sending their prayers?" What good are they?

Tonight there was a debate in Russell over the existence of a god. A lot of philosophical stuff was thrown out there that I didn't understand or that didn't seem very relevant. More than anything I was so sad for the life of this professor who didn't believe in God and was spending his career and life promoting disbelief. I remember being him.

I embraced the idea of 'existentialism' - and was very proud when I learned how to spell it without double checking. It more or less is a system of belief - if you can even call it that - where humans are essentially responsible for creating and following their own morality. There is no absolute. No absolute God. No absolute morals. If there is a God he does not care about humanity. At worst he is even antagonistic. Humans are alone in their struggle. The best thing to do is accept it and forge your own path with whatever meaning feels right to you.

In high school I was very engaged with this school of thought. It seemed right - after all, I didn't believe in God. So what other choice did I have? I read poetry and prose and literature formed by this . I wrote my own responses.

I used to have panic attacks thinking about death. Trying to comprehend non-existence. Which of course you can't. I tried to imagine what it would be like after I died. The world would go on without me. So I picture looking down on the world, like I'm floating up in a cold, dark, oppressive space. But no! I won't exist at all. So I won't see that. So I imagine darkness. But that, too, would be gone. I would be GONE. No more consciousness. The END.

I would start to hyperventilate. Sometimes I wouldn't be alright for the rest of the day. If I started having these thoughts at night, well, goodbye sleep. I used to have horrible dreams as well. From 7th through 11th grade, I - or someone - died in every. single. dream. I had. I dreamed almost every night.

I said tonight that I can't imagine what life would be like without God. Let me rephrase that: I've lived life without God. And its horrible. There IS something else. There IS a satisfaction to that craving. There IS an answer to prayer.

When you bend your head to pray tonight - ask who you're praying to, and what you're praying for. Before I was Christian, I closed my eyes and wondered "what on earth is the point of this?" "What do people think this is doing?" I talked in my head, asking if God was there. I was mystified at how this prayer thing was supposed to go. Ask God to reveal himself to you if you aren't sure. If you feel like you're talking to thin air - keep talking. He is listening. If you feel like something just isn't quite right, something is missing, like you're bowing your head to nothing but that just can't be all there is - Ask Him to fill that in. He will.

Home base

I spent the last year thinking that my family was going to be moving from Maryland to Roanoke, VA this summer, about five hours away from me at school. Suddenly, it turns out, they're not. They'll be in good ole MoCo for at least the next few years. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm happy that they won't be five hours away from me at school and that I'll be able to see them. But I really don't like where they are now. I've already told them that they have to move before I have kids. I won't be bringing grandkids to that area. I'm only sort of joking. Even in the 7 years my family has been there the area has changed. Between bomb threats and anthrax, 9/11, the sniper shootings and the arrival of MS-13, the prostitutes that made the New York Times and the petty acts of violence, gang activity, and racism that occur everyday - I'm just fed up. It's time to abandon ship. Maybe I'm too cynical. I have dozens of friends who are perfectly content there. But I just don't feel right about it at all. My church feels like home there. I love my friends. Everything else about it sets me on edge. Every part of me wants to be in the country. I want to walk down the road in the middle of the night and not think that I will get raped or shot. I want to go to sleep to crickets, not sirens. I want to let my kids play outside and walk to their friends houses.

I made plans to move to Delaware under the impression that my family would be far away. So I finally know where I'm living and I just found out a few days ago that I got the awesome internship I applied for with the Cooperative Extension (thank you God!)!

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to invest myself in the people at UD. I mentioned this briefly in my post from the spring retreat. Last semester I was very divided between going home to my church in MD and staying on campus on the weekends. I only even went to IV Friday night meetings once a month or so because I was always gone. I missed out on a lot of friendships that could have been formed. Really, I wasn't fully invested in either place. I was just drifting around trying to find what I felt satisfied me the most.

I think God has really used the Roanoke situation to force me to make a decision - and for that decision to be Delaware. I am called to be here right now. This is a season in my life where I have so many ministry opportunities - I am essentially running away from if I leave all the time for my church at home. My mind has shifted to focus on who I can reach out to here. Even though now my family will be staying, my mind and heart have been reset.

This is not to say that I want to drop my friends from home! Far from it! I had an amazing conversation with a friend from home yesterday that made my day! But I need to realize that while I can still grow from great friendships that I have there, it is important for me to be part of the missions going on at the UD campus and part of the fellowship at IV. And that means me being physically, emotionally, and spiritually here more than there.

Dependence

So much sin is so active in my life. I am so easily fooled.
Don't be fooled!
I am not immune to temptation.
I am saved by grace and secured for heaven, but the battle carries on while I'm here on earth. He never command His disciples to lay down their crosses, but rather to take them up! to persevere! The war with sin is not won in one battle in this life. Now is time for serious warfare. It is past time to put up my defenses and prepare to stand firm. With God's strength, I will not succumb to this selfish sin!

God rescue me! Sustain me in this fight - help me carry this cross that you have already borne.
Let all my actions be a testimony to how Your goodness and mercy and regenerating power has changed my life! Do not let Your Holy Name be reviled because of my weakness and my self-seeking. Help me fight this sin, and more than that even - help me HATE it.
I despise myself right now. There is nothing good in me at all. Break me further God, so that I have nothing at all of my own to lean upon. Cripple my self-righteousness. I am an adulterer, a slanderer, a murderer, an unbeliever, a hypocrite, a rebel. I am so unworthy of Your love! All I can do is fall down before You!
....

And just as I am about to finish writing, I begin to rationalize away my actions. I open to Proverbs and standing out on the page is

"All the ways of man are pure in his own eyes
but the Lord weighs the spirit." Proverbs 16:2

Wow, I have no excuses. When I sin, I choose to sin and convince myself it is fine. It is not. Teach me to love, God.

Jesus' Humility

John 5

Jesus was and is fully God.
He created us, the earth, the stars, the oceans. He is seated with God. He is not lesser than God, but he submits to God. I can not wrap my mind around it - its incomprehensible, really. I cannot even pretend that I understand this mystery.
But what is striking to me is that Jesus, though he had infinite power, willingly submitted to God's plan. The plan that put him through shame, torture, scandal, mockery, death, and separation from his Father. He said, "Not my will, but Yours."

"The Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing." John 5:19
He said to his disciples, "I can do nothing on my own." and "I seek not my own will, but the will of him who sent me." John 5:30

If Jesus the Christ can do nothing apart from God, how HOPELESS am I??
I am certainly, absolutely, irrevocably frozen in death without God acting upon me!
Even saved and secured for an eternal life with God, I cannot even breath unless He wills it.
I cannot think except that God gave me a mind.
I cannot love except that God gave me a heart.
I cannot sing but that God gave me a voice,
or taste or talk but that He gave me a tongue, or be joyful but for the emotions He gave me, or work but that He gifted me with talents and strength.

So, like Christ, I am called to give the full use of my breath, mind, heart, tongue, emotion, talent and strength to God. They belong to Him anyway!! He created them - for HIS glory!

God thank you! that all of this is for you! Lord I don't have to wonder long why I am here, why you have created me in this way. God, though my understanding is earthly and limited - its all for YOU. God help me trust You! Help this answer be enough, Lord. Help me know that You are more than enough to satisfy me.

Spring Retreat

Its been a little while! I'm going to post a few days worth of notes, devotions and thoughts on this posting from the IV spring retreat!

IV Spring Retreat

Saturday Morning Quiet Time

1 Corinthians 12:13-27

13For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body--Jews or Greeks, slaves^[a] or free--and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

14For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts,^[b] yet one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." 22On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

27Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Lord God – Thank you for how you have made me. For my uniqueness on this earth that no other creatures shares. Thank you that my body, my injuries and weaknesses, my mind and my talents, are all from you, for you and under your direction. God I pray that you empty me of everything that impedes me from seeing that truth every day. Let me lose all my selfishness. I desire to do everything to honor and bring glory to Your name! My flesh is weak O God! Every good thing in my life and my person is from You, it is in fact You working through me. These gifts have been given to me to use in Your kingdom work, to magnify Your name – not to advance my personal glories.

“Finally brothers,
whatever is true
whatever is honorable
whatever is just
whatever is lovely
whatever is commendable
if there is anything excellent
if there is anything worthy of praise
think about these things.”

Lord God please capture my mind! Ensnare it in thoughts and revelations of your
Amazing glory
Unfathomable Love
Infinite goodness and mercy
Lord, by your Spirit, train my heart to greater discipline
That I might love you more
That I might constantly be humbled
That I would love what you love
And hate what you hate.
Train me to recognize and despise sin, as you despise sin
Not that I would feel vain sorrow or worldly shame
But that I would have a right and godly grief over my disobedience to
My creator
My Savior
My Father
My God
Lord, stop my tongue mid-word before I displease you! Give my mind discernment and greater judgment about when and how I speak. I desire to cultivate a god glorifying patience and humility, that I will put my opinions and thoughts and humors into the dirt and only speak to glorify You.
Help me put self to death!
Help me bear my cross!
Help me love and follow the command of self control!

A loose tongue is a useful tool for the devil – it leads to more opportunities for sin, it opens the door to my sinful past and begins to glorify it. Help me not speak unless Your Holy Spirit will magnify my words.
Use me, O God,
To build up the weak and my brothers and sisters,
To encourage the strong and the leaders,
To spur on my companions,
To teach and share in all humility.
Keep my heart and my tongue constantly under Your hand.
Bring me closer into Your confidence
My savior
My Father
My rock
My foundation
My hiding place
My Shepard
My living water
My counselor
My sovereign
My fortress
My friend
My Lord
My cornerstone
My God
My way
My truth
My life!

Saturday Morning Message - John Pa

Jesus chose to bridge the immeasurable gap between us and God. People often say "you would understand if you walked in my shoes." Jesus, desiring to be a compassionate savior, walked not only in our shoes - He walked in our FLESH. He walked in our feet. He was humbled to being born, a human, fleshly, messy, undignified birth like any other living man. He was born into poverty, placed in a feed trough for animals. Manger has a romantic sentimental meaning for us now, it conjures up thoughts of the nativity scenes I put on my fireplace mantle every Christmas. But a manger is a feed trough. The rough wooden structure that hay was thrown into for the cattle and sheep to eat out of. Jesus was laid in this because he did not even have a crib or cradle. He faced every temptation that we will face.

He died so that we would live.
He suffered so that we would be healed.
He was cast out so that we would be brought in to God's family.
He became human so that we could become eternal.
In light of this great love, how do we respond? Jesus forgave and prayed for his crucifiers as he hung on the cross dying! By this power within us - who could we not forgive??

Saturday Retreat of Silence
(At this time we were given a passage of Scripture and some questions to think about. We were supposed to go and be totally alone and silent for an hour. I think it was something from Philippians - but as I was looking for a place to read I found a pony. So I climbed into the paddock and played with the pony and then spread out my coat on the ground so I could sit where he was grazing. As I watched the pony and listened to the stream that was behind me I was just really swept away by how amazing and good God is to us in giving us so much beautiful nature. So I wrote God a poem instead of doing the assignment.)

All beauty is a feeble shadow of Your glory, O Lord!

Lord God, the warm sun that settles on my cheeks is a cold pretender of Your warm love.
The gentle breeze that tosses my hair and rustles leaves is just a sigh of Your Holy Spirit's breath.
The brilliant light that glints off rippling water is a mere reflection of this worldy sun, which You glory dwarfs to nothing.
The running stream caressing smooth pebbles is music too lowly for Your heavenly courts.
The roaring waterfall plunging from heights is a meek whisper compared to Your worthy might.
The great expanse of the ocean is but a finite vapor next to Your unsearchable depths.
The rolling green hills decked with spring flowers are an afterthought to Your beauty.
The whole world faints, O God, for Your coming!
When Love will be realized!
When Grace will present itself to the ungraceful!
When beauty will fully defy words!
When we will say not
all we know is mere reflection of You
but see
Here Thou Art.

Sunday Morning

Is there unity on campus?

No. Think, just as one example, about racial reconciliation. It has not happened. This takes heart, gut, passion and love. It takes work. It is hard. And it has not happened because we are sinners trying to reconcile with sinners without God. We have taken it into our own hands and our own strength.

God is the great equalizer. We can be reconciled to each other only when we realize that we must ALL be reconciled to one far, far greater than us. We have ALL sinned against God. HE is the one we need to worry about being reconciled to. As children of God, then, we must be one with each other, united eternally under His blood.

He who is forgiven much

Loves much.

What about people who say all religions lead to the same place?
“There are many paths, but they all lead up the same mountain to the same peak.”

Try a different picture:
A woman is sick. The doctor gives her penicillin. What happens?
She gets better, says the world.

Wrong.

This disease isn’t cured by penicillin. It does nothing. She gets sicker. She dies.

You have to have the RIGHT medicine. NOT all are equal. No matter how committed or passionate that woman was about the penicillin, no matter how much she believed it was going to cure her – it was NOT going to work. It was as useless as water. As useless as no medicine at all.

If you had AIDS, and someone said that one medicine would cure you – then showed you a table with 1,000 different syringes on it - and you could only use one, wouldn’t it be incredibly essential to pick the ONE that contained the cure?

So it is with our souls. We are sick – we are dying. We are afflicted with sin and the prognosis is eternal death and separation from God. Only Jesus is the cure.

Sunday Morning Message

The church is the visual representation of our commitment to Christ. We are called to be together as a community – as one body.

John 13:34 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

Romans 12:10 “Love one another with brotherly affection.”

Romans 14:13 “Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.”

Romans 15:7 “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.”

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Colossians 3:16 “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Hebrews 3:13 “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

In Acts, Paul leaves the elders of a city, and together they wept in sadness that he was leaving them. Am I involved with the people around me to the point that I will weep when I leave them? That is my calling – to love, invest, engage. To be with EACH OTHER. I have made so many excuses not to invest. I think “I’ll only be here two more years.” In two years Paul discipled hundreds of people, maybe thousands. Sometimes he only stayed in a city for a few months. But he fully loved. He fully gave of himself for the advancement of the Gospel.

Now think:
We WILL make an IMPACT on the world. We already are. Our very existence means we affect the world around us.
Will it be to the glory of God?
Where will we shine like stars in the world of darkness, crookedness and corruption?

Know the steps to know the dance - how beautiful it is!!

Men and women today are in a power struggle of epic proportions. Women run multi-billion dollar companies and leave their infants with nannies or stay at home dads.

Women flaunt their bodies all over billboards across the world, selling everything from cars to toothpaste, selling their bodies, and calling it liberation. Calling it power.

Look at popular sitcoms. A thin, attractive women runs the household and tramples all over her husband's life an self-esteem. She impatiently grabs the reins from him every time he screws up, fixes all his mistakes, tells him what to do, and calls him an idiot. Then she criticizes him for not being a "man." For being unable to make decisions for himself.

Did she ever give him the chance to try? Where in their marriage was he given the opportunity t o learn?

We are sold a philosophy that men and women are equal on all terms. Women can do everything men can do. Just as well. Just as legitimately. Women are serving in the armed forces in larger numbers than ever. Know what other numbers are up? Infidelity among soldiers cheating on their spouses while away at war.

We are equal in humanity. Equal in God's eyes. But we are different. How drastic is it really, to think that we can act out our equality in different ways? Wasn't God's established order at creation designed with our best in mind? Weren't the differing roles of men and women designed by the One who is Love and Wisdom Itself?

Here is what John Piper had to say about the directions were are given today, what society has pushed at us as the road map to manhood and womanhood, if such a distinction is even made any more. (It is slightly paraphrased, as I was typing it while listening to the sermon):

**********************************************************************************

Its like saying to two dancers, ballet dancers or people who are about to perform a drama:

“Now remember when you go out on the stage: you are both excellent dancers, you are held in equal esteem in the guild and respected highly in the world of drama or dance. You must respect each other and be complementary of each other’s movements on the stage. And remember: you will both enjoy the applause and the limelight at the end of the performance.” Now that’s important to say - it will affect how the performance goes.

BUT if that’s all they know -

THEY WON’T DANCE!

To dance or perform the drama, they have to know who’s going where, when!
Who will fall and who will catch.
Who will stand and who will run.
Who will speak and who will be silent.

If all you know is that you are to respect one another – you WILL NOT DANCE.

There will be mass confusion on the stage if you are given only 6 “moral visions” of how to respect one another. You will be up there bumping into one another.

I say these instructions are only part of the answer.

And today they are given as the whole answer.

We have to ask this question: in the drama of life between man and woman, before the fall, as God intended it to be, did God intend for some responsibilities to fall heavier on the man and some responsibilities to fall heavier on the woman, or didn’t he? They are both supposed to be equally respectful of each other. But are they supposed to show respect for each other in precisely the same way? Yes, there should be peace and harmony through mutual servitude. But might there not be forms of service especially designed for harmony from the man, and forms of service especially designed for harmony from the woman?

Do you see how incomplete the answer is, to say, “equal in personhood, equal in dignity, harmony, mutual respect, complementarity and unified destiny.”

It doesn’t tell you much where the rubber meets the road.

I believe the Bible does teach that men have unique God-given responsibilities and women have unique God-given responsibilities.”

They’re not identical; they’re not dependent on gifts. They’re dependent on who we are as man and woman as established at creation. They are not limited to biological functions; They’re deeper, higher, broader, and more pervasive than that. These different responsibilities go right to the heart of the meaning manhood and womanhood as God created us

and these are under tremendous attack from inside and outside the church today

And the result has been what?

Confusion. Mass confusion.

* ******************************************************************************

More to come on this. I realize this posting is horribly devoid of any Scriptural evidences. For starters if you're interested, read
*Genesis 2
*1 Corinthians 7
*Ephesians 5:22-33
*Colossians 3:18-19

Ok, I have to put Ephesians in here, its my favorite:

Wives and Husbands

22Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.^[a] 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body. 31"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Sleep

I have had sleep anxiety problems since I was 11 or 12. As a kid, I would always lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling, my mind spinning, unable to quiet it enough for me to fall asleep. Eventually I would go into my parents' room and wake up my mom. I was so anxious I couldn't stand to be alone any longer. Someone needed to know that I was having trouble and comfort me. There wasn't much she could do, but I was just more settled knowing that she heard my complaint. Invariably she would tell me to read a book until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Sometimes she would make me a cup of warm milk with honey in it, it would make me sleepy she said. I still struggled to fall asleep, watching the red numbers on my clock change, but eventually I always drifted away.

When I started swimming as a freshman in high school I started to fall asleep more easily, but still had nights, sometimes weeks in a row, when my brain wouldn't let me relax. I still woke my mom up, but by this age I knew about sleeping pills and would beg her, frequently in frustrated tears, to let me have one (she took them for a while and I'd seen how they could knock you out). She would never let me have one, but I would take anything she offered instead; Nyquil, allergy medicine, Tylenol PM, etc. Thus began my love for drugs, for multiple purposes.

When I was fifteen and sixteen a whole new slew of problems came. I became incredibly depressed, pushed to my limits by the pressures of performance in school, swimming and socialization. For nearly two years, my only release came in cutting myself. This was the preferred method of stress relief especially at night, when my anxieties built up such tension that I would literally, physically shake. I would remain in a half-crazed state, unable to think or relax until I drew blood and the endorphins that come with pain circulated through my blood, draining the stress from my muscles. I could think clearly again. I had made the dangerous discovery that my body makes its own euphoric pain killer- and that to tap into it requires only a sharp little knife or scissor.

By God's grace, I was saved at 17 and I never cut myself again. But the sleeping anxiety in itself was not resolved.

College came. Sleeping became more of a struggle in the freshman dorms than it had ever been. Despite waking up at 5:00 in the morning and training more intensely than ever, sleep was elusive and coveted. In a building with 500 students who stayed up at all hours of the night, the noise, the lights, and the vibration of floormates dancing, running and jumping around were too much. I found out quickly that I was not alone in my sleep problem; many others on the floor had the same issue. But they had something I didn't have: those magical sleeping pills. Sharing was a virtue we all learned well in kindergarten, so it was very easy to get my hands on these pills almost every night of the week. Half a dozen kids had them, so would rotate through them each night, therefore not depriving anyone of their stash while also not getting addicted to one particular kind. This habit, combined with the 2400 (yes, twenty four hundred, not two hundred forty) mg of Ibuprofen I was prescribed daily for my shoulders, has probably not done wonderful things for my stomach.

So here I am again, sophomore year (now with housemates who love to drunkenly make pancakes and popcorn at 3:00am Wednesday through Saturday, in the kitchen adjacent to my bedroom) faced with the question of sleep. I have more resources than ever at my disposal: after two surgeries I have a few months worth of Vicodin and Percocet in my "drug drawer" along with cough medicine, allergy medicine, over-the-counter sleeping aides, leftover Ibuprofen(the biggest pills I've ever seen) and every other painkiller known to man. I have ear plugs and an eye mask. But I still cannot sleep.

I admit to taking half a Percocet about half an hour ago. I need to break this cycle. It is utterly ridiculous how this saga of sleeplessness has taken over much of my life and created horrible habits. I have contemplated going to the sports med doctor and asking for a prescription for sleeping pills. He would give it to me. But I have a strong conviction not to. I feel like I should be praying. God CAN help me sleep. I know He can! He can calm my mind and release the stress in my body. The problem is, for some reason, I am not believing that when it comes to the test. While I refuse to go get a prescription, as though that would be a cop-out, I still nightly, give in to the last resort of taking a post-surgery painkiller. When it is 3am and I have PT at 8am, I give in. I don't know what to do exactly, but I need to be praying more. I need more faith.

I see this pattern of drug use in my life, and I know that it has control over me. I have a new life in Christ to be set free from such dependencies! I don't believe there is anything fundamentally wrong with sleeping pills, but for me, in my situation, I know that it is something I need to overcome.

If you are a Christian, please pray for me to have faith and childlike trust in God! That I run to him for comfort the way I used to run to my mom and wake her up in the middle of the night! And to resort to warm milk and honey before any more painkillers!


From Valley of Vision:


Valley of Vision

Blessed creator,
Thous hast promised thy beloved sleep;
Give me restoring rest needful for tomorrow's toil.
If dreams be mine, let them not be tinged with evil.
Let thy Spirit make my time of repose a blessed temple of his holy presence.

May my frequent lying down make me fammiliar with death,
the bed I approach remind me of the grave,
the eyes I now close picture to me their final closing.
Keep me always ready, waiting for admittance to thy presence.
Weaken my attachment to earthly things.
May I hold life loosely in my hand,
knowing that I receive it on condition of its surrender
As pain and suffering betoken transitory health,
may I not shrink from a death
that introduces me to the freshness of eternal life
I retire this night in full assurance of one day waking with thee.

All glory for this precious hope,
for the gospel of grace
for thine unspeakable gift of Jesus
for the fellowship of the Trinity.
Withhold not thy mercies in the night season;
thy hand never wearies,
thy power needs no repose,
thine eye never sleeps.

Help me, when I helpless lie,
when my conscience accuses me of sin,
when my mind is harassed by foreboding thoughts,
when my eyes are held awake by personal anxieties.

Show thyself to me as the God of all grace, love and power;
thou hast a balm for every wound
a solace for all anger
a remedy for every pain,
a peace for every disquietude.
Permit me to commit myself to thee awake or to sleep.

The Valley of Vision

I highly recommend both the book and the CD titled "Valley of Vision." The book is a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions. They are my favorite thing to read for my devotions (second to the Bible) as they are like New Testament psalms! They reveal so much about the character and the glory of God in contrast with our pitiful state as humans. They pray for things I would never think to pray for, out of a truly humble sense of total depravity that I want to much to be mirrored in my life. I wanted to post a few on here so everyone can get a look.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.

Purification

Lord Jesus, I sin.
Grant that I may never cease grieving because of it,
never be content with myself,
never think I can reach a point of perfection.
Kill my envy, command my tongue, trample down self.
Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable,
to live for Thee and not for self,
to copy Thy words, acts, spirit, to be transformed into Thy likeness,
to be consecrated wholly to Thee,
to live entirely to Thy glory.

Deliver me from attachment to things unclean,
from wrong associations,
from the predominance of evil passions,
from the sugar of sin as well as its gap;
that with self-loathing, deep contrition, earnest heart searching I may come to Thee,
cast myself on Thee, trust in Thee, cry to Thee, be delivered by Thee.

O God, the Eternal All,
help me to know that all things are shadows, but Thou art substance,
all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain,
all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor,
all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.

If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heat, so be it,
but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth to watch the ore that nothing be lost.
If I sin wilfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning
and give me music;
remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty;
still my sighs and fill my mouth with song,
then give me summer weather as a Christian.

Heart Corruptions

O God,
may Thy Spirit speak in me that I may speak to thee.
I have no merit, let the merit of Jesus stand for me.
I am undeserving, but I look to Thy tender mercy.
I am full of infirmities, wants, sin; Thou art full of grace.

I confess my sin, my frequent sin, my willful sin;
all my powers of body and soul are defiled:
a fountain of pollution is deep within my nature.
There are chambers of foul images within my being;
I have gone from one odious room to another,
walked in a no-man's-land of dangerous imaginations,
pried into the secrets of my fallen nature.

I am utterly ashamed that I am what I am in myself;
I have no green shoot in me nor fruit, but thorns and thistles;
I am a fading leaf that the wind drives away;
I live bare and barren as a winter tree, unprofitable,
fit to be hewn down and burnt.
Lord, dost Thou have mercy on me?

Thou hast struck a heavy blow at my pride,
at the false god of self, and I lie in pieces before Thee.
But Thou hast given me another master and lord,
Thy Son, Jesus, and now my heart is turned towards holiness,
my life speeds as an arrow from a bow
towards complete obedience to Thee.

Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride.
Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life,
from everything that is natural to fallen man,
and let Christ's nature be seen in me day by day.
Grant me grace to bear Thy will without repining,
and delight to be not only chiselled, squared,
or fashioned, but separated from the old rock
where I have been embedded so long,
and lifted from the quarry to the upper air,
where I may be built in Christ for ever.

Do Not Worry

This afternoon at physical therapy I suddenly had an enormous sense of despair. I was doing one of my regular exercises and thinking about how weak I still am from my surgery on my left shoulder in October (I can still only lift about four pounds), and I realized, in what seemed like a very profound way, that I will soon be starting all over with my right shoulder, which had the same surgery three weeks ago. All the hours and hours in PT, and more importantly all the pain and frustration, will start over from the beginning regardless of the fact that I just did it. It was so distressing to think of all the work and the teeth-gritting of the last three and a half months and realize that it doesn't mean a single thing to my right shoulder. I will be back at ground zero. And have to go through it all. again.

I stood there for a minute staring into space, thinking of doing mobes again (ranked #2 on my list of the most painful experiences I've had in my life) when I told myself to let it go and just focus on the exercise at hand.

Now, that seems like very obvious advice. Because it is. It is something God wants me to do.

Mark 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Amen!

Each day does have enough worries of its own. Each two hour PT session has enough worries of its own. Each exercise has enough worries of its own! And dwelling on the events down the road, whether hypothetically good ones or challenging ones (in reality I think we rarely get one without the other), does not make the task at hand any easier. In fact, as I experienced, it makes it far harder.

Before that verse, Mark says " So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

What am I so worried about? That I will be upset with how much time I have to spend at PT? That I will be in pain? I know that God will provide for me, no matter what my circumstance. Mark says not to worry about what we will eat or what we will drink. God, he says, takes care of even the grass in the field - how would he not take care of us?! God will provide grace sufficient for me to battle frustration and self-pity. He will give me strength to bear with the pain and humility to bear with my weakness.

Knowing that, how can I worry about tomorrow? Worrying creates an anxious heart - a heart that doesn't trust in God. "But first seek his kingdom and his righteousness." Now that is something I should put my energy into. My heart will find rest in God and let go of all anxiousness. I need to think, how can I glorify God in this situation? I should not be living in my future trials, but be glorifying God in my immediate circumstance - in every circumstance.

Psalm 55
Cast Your Burden on the Lord

1Give ear to my prayer, O God,
and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
2Attend to me, and answer me;
I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
3because of the noise of the enemy,
because of the oppression of the wicked.
For they drop trouble upon me,
and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

4My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
5Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
6And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
7yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
Selah

8I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest."

9Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
for I see violence and strife in the city.
10Day and night they go around it
on its walls,
and iniquity and trouble are within it;
11ruin is in its midst;
oppression and fraud
do not depart from its marketplace.

12For it is not an enemy who taunts me--
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me--
then I could hide from him.
13But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
14We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God's house we walked in the throng.
15Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

16But I call to God,
and the LORD will save me.
17Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.
18He redeems my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
19God will give ear and humble them,
he who is enthroned from of old,
Selah

because they do not change
and do not fear God.

20My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant.
21His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

22Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

23But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

God's Mercy

Dwelling on the past is not helpful. But a clear reminder of who I was before Christ affirms my faith! I have not pulled myself out of my slavery to sin - I could never have done so! My past is a testimony to Christ's power in my life. I wanted to post a few journal entries from my past to bear witness to the change God has worked. These were mostly undated from about two years ago.

"The room is too quiet for comfort.
There's a loud rattling in my head
of gears waiting for something to catch on
so they can finally turn.
But they are just left wanting and spinning.
Treading the air and
all the ramifications of now.
My aimless thoughts are like sand
thrown at the gears,
doing nothing but scratching the finish.
I want to know what I want.
I want boundaries with inexpressible freedom.
I want blue eyes and brown.
I want everything from everyone. Sometimes.
I want blood and then tears.
Some vulnerable wetness.
But I haven't opened flesh in so long
the scars are almost gone."

"pseudo-romantic purple
like partially oxygenated blood
quickening the heart and breath,
leaving something wanted."

"So I need to learn to relax
and dig the color blue and jazz.
Because when music makes me think
only one thing
its an epiphany,
just to have a mind that clear -
despite-
or because of?-
the drugs floating in the air
and the cozy closeness
of so many bodies.
I need a little clarity,
a little Dharma Bums.
I need to hike a crisp cold mountain.
I need to Howl. "

"Passion: is the only reason.
I see it in others - they are irresistible.
I can only hope for one touch from them
and its like electricity.
The pulsing love for life
coursing through me
making me more alive."


I thought that so many things could save me. I thought I was looking so hard. But the One and Only answer found me! He was working in my heart before I ever heard His name. My struggle to find some sort of wholeness made the amazing salvation of God even more incredible than if I'd never thought anything was missing!

I have twelve years of journals. All organized neatly on a bookshelf in my room at home. I don't care to read them often, but when I do it is so clear: every situation, every suffering, and every anguished cry leads directly to the day that I was saved in preparation for me to love God and lay my life down for Him!

Moses, Me, & God's Will

Moses said to the LORD, "See, you say to me, 'Bring up this people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. Yet you have said, 'I know you by name, and you have also found favor in my sight.' Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight. Consider too that this nation is your people."

And God said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Exodus 33:12-14

I always want to know what God has planned for me. I have no doubt that he has a plan for my life; he has a plan for my future, my career, my husband, my family, and all the personal decisions I will make. But I don't act like I trust him; I want to know what- exactly- the plan is. Then I'll be content and make sure that I walk in that plan. Like Moses, my desire is to walk in God's will, if only I knew what that was. Moses asks "Lord, who are you sending to help me? Let me know so that I can move forward trusting in your plan. Show me your ways." God replies, but he doesn't answer what Moses actually asked. He doesn't give Moses the specifics he wanted. He just says "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

God's presence is all I need. I don't need to know what, where, who, when, why, or how.
I need to now HIM and he will give my heart peace.

Knowing God's Will by M. Blaine Smith says that God illuminates the path only where our feet are currently moving. He lets us know what we need to know in order to glorify Him in our current situation. He does not shine a searchlight up ahead of us. If we saw everything that was ahead we would have no need for faith. The key to faith and trust in God's will as well as faith in God at all, is that we cannot see it. Romans 8:24 points out: "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" There would be no need for faith if God laid out before me the blueprint of my life.

Smith also remarks that if we knew our futures, which is essentially what we want to know when we question God's will, we would probably be reluctant to move forward. If God shone that searchlight way ahead on the path to reveal struggle, temptation, and rejection (as much of a Christian life can involve), we would be paralyzed by fear. God allows us to know what we need to know. He shines a light at our feet so we can see where we are stepping, but not where we are going. But as long as that light is on our feet we are in his will, and his is guiding us where we ought to be going.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Something that has been bothering me lately (most of my life, really, but only recently in a Godly context) is my sense that I have no roots. I have moved around my entire life. This summer will mark my 7th state, my 9th house, and my 9th school. I have never known anyone for more than a handful of years. I don't consider any location "home." That is a foreign concept I have always envied of people who "grew up" somewhere. This summer I will officially be living on my own. My family is moving to southern Virginia, and I feel no calling to go with them. Nor do I feel especially tied to Maryland, though I love my church, it is not really home. I feel little nostalgia for the area, in fact, I find many things about the lifestyle there (DC traffic, crime, gangs, congestion) rather grotesque. So I believe I will be living in Delaware. Then what? I want to settle down so badly. To just finally stop moving and to .... Know my future! I feel like if I just stop moving, other things will become clear as well. I will at the very least be able to predict where I will live in one year. I cannot say so much right now.

At my Bible study today the leader pointed out something I had never considered. I always thought of this rootlessness as a curse of sorts. He put just the opposite spin on it, saying that without a deep emotional involvement in one location, I would be able to respond easily to God's call to move to do his will if he should call me. He said, if suddenly God calls you to Nigeria for missions - well, what would be stopping you? Who better to pick up and move than someone who would have to shed very little to up and go? I don't know what God has for my future, but that was certainly a perspective I liked better than seeing it as a curse. God IS preparing me for something. Maybe it is so that I will revel in and relish the feeling of finally settling. He could be giving me a heart to sink my roots into a local church when I find the right one. Maybe one day he will call me to missions, or to move, to spread his word and serve others and I will be able to go without hesitation.

But I think I need to reflect on the "light on my feet." How can I serve God now? How can I be living every moment to the fullest extent in service and worship of God? The future is in God's hands. As my pastor says, "If you worry - you die. And if you don't worry - you die. So why worry?"

Sunday Sermon: What Does Loving God Look Like?

Psalm 1:1-3

"Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
not sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his Delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither."


A person who loves God is a living embodiment of Psalm 1. That is how you will know them. They are those who lives and die in the faith of Christ in order to be witnesses and bring others to Christ.

Fruit of Loving God

Assurance in the Gospel
Have unshaken faith in the assurance of salvation
Be saturated in the Gospel , dig into the Word
Love the Gospel as Life
Never grow weary or tired or it, never move on from this essential message


Zestful Joy
Believe yourself to be truly rich in this world because of your relationship with God
Be content, happy, joyful
Love simple things
Not, 'be simple minded,' but have joy in living simply without the distractions of worldly things
Do not futilely pursue things that fade away - have real everlasting joy
Deeply know and express that having Christ is all you need

Inexpressible Peace
No matter what happens on earth, have unflappable peace and assurance
Do not be anxious, worry, or distrust God's good plan
Thank God for your struggles, they produce character and build your faith

Undiminished Purpose
We are here to bring Glory to Him
God is glorified most when we are most satisfied in Him
What is the chief purpose of man?
To glorify God and enjoy Him forever
Build relationships to bring others to Christ
Proclaim Christ without ceasing
Ask God for opportunities to make you useful in advancing His kingdom
It is NOT about making much of ourselves

Heavenly Hope
2 Timothy 4:6-8
"For I am already poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have love his appearing."
We will be like Stephen, seeing Christ standing, welcoming us. Saying welcome home, well done.
"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passin through."

Academic Prayer

Lord God, I pray that you give my heart peace over these opportunities and these challenges at school. Let me know your will for my education! God, I do not desire to be self-seeking in this! Please keep me humbled and lowly at the foot of your cross throughout this and my life. Let me use whatever gifts you have given me in ways that will glorify you and advance your kingdom!

Lord I pray that you protect me from the temptation to think highly of myself. Let me rather think highly of you, and of others. These opportunities are from you and for you! Let me cling to your cross, acknowledging my sinfulness and my dire need for a savior! Create good works that I may walk in them! Bless my creativity and knowledge with a purpose for You! Bless my gifts with an employment in your service.

God you are the only thing that will be left when this world ends. I will not be faced with an angelic board of directors or a Scripture SAT or a holy scrutiny of my resume. I will be faced with YOU. God let me never lose sight of the hope you have given me!

I pray that you will prepare my heart for my future, whatever it is! If I am to be a wife and stay at home mom, Lord, give me grace to love your will. If I am to go to graduate school in Oxford, Lord let your will be done and your name be glorified! If I am to go into the publishing industry Lord let me publish stories about your goodness. If I would do PR for non-profit groups Lord your will be done and your name be magnified through my works! If none of these are your will for me, then God prepare me in ways unknown to me now so that I will gracefully accept your good plan!

I pray down every road that I have my eyes set on you and your prizes, that I would deem your cause the most worthy of my time and my intellect. God I give you my intellect! You bestowed it upon me and I claim no rights over it! Let my professors and mentors guide me in ways according to your will. Let my heart be at peace and my conscience in agreement with you. I want to walk in your will, O my God! Be with me Lord as I seek you with my whole heart!

Pre-Valentine's Day Revelation

So I was thinking about Valentine's Day and feeling pretty down. National Single's Awareness Day, huh? It never mattered to me because I always had a boyfriend who brought me flowers, took me to dinner, and otherwise completed me on this most important of Hallmark Holidays. In fact, the last six Valentine's Days I have had a boyfriend. One or the other of them.
I had a Bible study group this afternoon called Knowing God's Will. Our leader asked us to memorize Jeremiah 29:11-12.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans for wholeness and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope."

I decided to read it over before I did my usual devotions tonight. The first three lines struck me and convicted me about the state of my heart today! I have worried and stressed and wondered and hoped and guessed at what man I might end up with. What man would make me happy and whole. How we will meet and fall in love. What our future will be. I couldn't help, in that line of thought, but wonder what I need to be doing to make sure that I find him. And then wonder when it will be and begin to hope it will be soon, because I don't like being single. So I think, well, I'm here now, so where is he? How much longer? C'mon!

But God says *I* know the plans *I have* for you.
This is not in my control, anymore than this ridiculous weather. It may snow - I will go get my snowscraper and boots. It may rain -I can get my umbrella. Maybe God will be incredibly generous and it will be 80 and sunny tomorrow - I have my sunglasses and sunscreen and I will be laying out! The point is not how can I make the weather do what I want, when I want, why I want. Its - am I prepared for what is coming, whatever it is? Do I have an umbrella, do I have a snowscraper, do I have sunglasses? And am I paying attention enough to know when to call on them?

Knowing who I'm going to marry isn't so easy. But God is in control. And he has given me His Word in order to be prepared for my future. I guess I can think of it as my sunglasses and my sunscreen. When it gets bright, I'll have them with me. When the right guy comes along, I'll be prepared for him to lead me because of the way God is using me, growing me, and teaching me now as I am single. You typically don't go to the store and buy sunscreen when you just laid out for five hours and are burned (though you'll know better next time!). You plan ahead. Before you go out into the sun you get what you will need (if you're not prepared or not awake, well think about what happens when you fall asleep in the sun with no sunscreen on). Cloudy the first day? No problem, you have your Bible, just read. The sun is coming.

How do I know the sun is coming? What if it just rains and rains (or even worse, is cold too)? What if I never get married (even though my heart's desire is to!)? God says he has plans for wholeness for me. I realized my selfishness and shortsightedness here! This means something FAR better than even wholeness in the context of a relationship or marriage with a man. It means wholeness in HIM, our creator! He is promising a relationship with him that will last all this lifetime and into eternity where it will be perfected! It is a marriage, but one far greater than I look forward to here. So there it is - the perpetual bright, sunny day! It IS coming because he has promised. So while I can certainly expect days of rain and snow and trails of all sorts in this life, I should still be carrying around and improving upon my essentials for that day when it will rain no more - the eternal perfect marriage with Christ himself!

God has plans to give me a future and a hope. I think the last paragraph explains this. I can look forward to a future and a hope that will never perish. Above and beyond that though, I looked at Romans 8:32 -

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all,
how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

God also gives us gifts in this life! It is amazing that he should send us Son to die for me a sinner, freely forgive me of all my monstrous sin, grant me eternal life - not just floating around somehwere in cosmic space - but with Him in his very house, and promise me a rich inheritance when I get there, being co-heirs with Christ who died for me, AND on top of all that - which I fully don't deserve and would be fully content with - he gives me gifts here on earth as well!! What an AMAZING God!

I do pray that God gives me the gift of marriage. But I cannot doubt his goodness or sovereignty because my pray is not answered immediately and in exactly the fashion I would like. How arrogant! How sinful I am to let one card-company-fabricated day disarm me in my quest for contentment and happiness in God.
And moreover let it cause me to doubt his goodness and his plan for my life.

So Jesus, then is my valentine, my Lord, my bridegroom, my savior, my king, my shepard, my counselor, my solid rock, my advocate, my deliverer, my high priest,
my life,
my light,
my love.


*What other man could I possibly think I need?

Spiritual Discipline

At Bible study tonight we talked about different spiritual disciplines. A friend had read a book where the author describes different periods of life being times for different practices. His illustration was of a busy mother who found that she didn't have time for devotions anymore. He said, thats ok. Ministering to your children is your spiritual discipline. He viewed that service as her time of communion with God.

I disagree. While I do believe that God calls us to different areas of service during different seasons of our life, I do not believe that he calls us to abandon time of devotion and prayer when things become hectic. In fact, I think in scripture, and from experience, I can see that those are the times when we need to make time with God a priority, not put it on the back burner. In 1 Thessalonians , Paul calls followers of Christ to "pray without ceasing, " and in his letter to the Romans he says that one mark of a true Christian is that he is "constant in prayer." It does not say, "when it is convenient" or "when your children have moved out of the house." Without ceasing. Constantly. No qualifications. And Paul certainly had his hands full. The disciples, throughout Acts, pray despite persecution, difficult travel, time spent spreading God's word, and the threat of death, exile, stoning, and incarceration.

Jesus, while walking with men, was God in human form. He knew his time on earth would be limited. There was so so much to do, so many thousands of people to teach, to heal, to help, to feed, to disciple. In the days before his crucifixion he must have been very busy. He was preparing the disciples for life after he would leave them. But he spent time in prayer.

We are never too busy to pray. We are never too busy to be in God's Word if we desire for God's Word to be in us. I had the image of a mother with young children. She undoubtedly has her hands full, a child in each arm, trying to keep the house straightened, cook dinner, clean the baby, do the laundry, make phone calls, dress her toddler... But she will at some time have to, by physical limitation, stop and eat, or she will faint.

God's Word is called the bread of life. The metaphor is not empty. Our souls are alive and need nourishment just the way our bodies do. Our nourishment comes from time spent in God's Word and in his presence praying. Our spiritual life will become weak and faint if we do not - we will starve it.

The busy mother will stop whatever she is doing when she realizes that she must eat in order to continue on. If only we were so intuned to our soul's need for God. If we can stop and make time to eat for our bodies, we must also realize that we must stop and feed our souls.


I am guilty of being "too tired" or "too busy" to pray or read my Bible. I challenge myself to be more aware of my need, to humble myself before God to know that I am his creation and am totally dependent on him. Only his Word can sustain me.

"It is written:
Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from
the mouth of God."
~Matthew 4:4