Praying for Virginia Tech

I am content to be at a loss for words over the Virginia Tech shootings. Too much ruins the seriousness of the tragedy and turns it into one of many - like everything else the newspapers have ever seen. I am praying for the community.

Suddenly the media is full of prayers. The newscasters send their prayers, the government sends their prayers, schools, towns, students. What are they praying to? Are they just mumbling comforting words under their breath to themselves? Are they questioning God's existence as they try to pray to him. Praying only as they think they ought? Do they believe that God is a cosmic Santa Claus who comes to life in desperate tragedies to listen to them mourn? What does it mean to them to be "sending their prayers?" What good are they?

Tonight there was a debate in Russell over the existence of a god. A lot of philosophical stuff was thrown out there that I didn't understand or that didn't seem very relevant. More than anything I was so sad for the life of this professor who didn't believe in God and was spending his career and life promoting disbelief. I remember being him.

I embraced the idea of 'existentialism' - and was very proud when I learned how to spell it without double checking. It more or less is a system of belief - if you can even call it that - where humans are essentially responsible for creating and following their own morality. There is no absolute. No absolute God. No absolute morals. If there is a God he does not care about humanity. At worst he is even antagonistic. Humans are alone in their struggle. The best thing to do is accept it and forge your own path with whatever meaning feels right to you.

In high school I was very engaged with this school of thought. It seemed right - after all, I didn't believe in God. So what other choice did I have? I read poetry and prose and literature formed by this . I wrote my own responses.

I used to have panic attacks thinking about death. Trying to comprehend non-existence. Which of course you can't. I tried to imagine what it would be like after I died. The world would go on without me. So I picture looking down on the world, like I'm floating up in a cold, dark, oppressive space. But no! I won't exist at all. So I won't see that. So I imagine darkness. But that, too, would be gone. I would be GONE. No more consciousness. The END.

I would start to hyperventilate. Sometimes I wouldn't be alright for the rest of the day. If I started having these thoughts at night, well, goodbye sleep. I used to have horrible dreams as well. From 7th through 11th grade, I - or someone - died in every. single. dream. I had. I dreamed almost every night.

I said tonight that I can't imagine what life would be like without God. Let me rephrase that: I've lived life without God. And its horrible. There IS something else. There IS a satisfaction to that craving. There IS an answer to prayer.

When you bend your head to pray tonight - ask who you're praying to, and what you're praying for. Before I was Christian, I closed my eyes and wondered "what on earth is the point of this?" "What do people think this is doing?" I talked in my head, asking if God was there. I was mystified at how this prayer thing was supposed to go. Ask God to reveal himself to you if you aren't sure. If you feel like you're talking to thin air - keep talking. He is listening. If you feel like something just isn't quite right, something is missing, like you're bowing your head to nothing but that just can't be all there is - Ask Him to fill that in. He will.